Talking to Older Family Members About the Past

Talking with an elder loved one about their life can be a great way to learn more about them and your family history. Often, it is easy to forget our connections to our ancestors and our family line without diving deep for more information. This article will explore some tips on discussing the past with older family members, as well as provide some questions to get the ball rolling. 

Discussion Tips for Diving Into the Past

Set a Time and Day for a Deep Dive

Making a day for you to have a deep discussion with your loved one can help them feel ready to talk. This can also help you ensure that you have the time to dive into the conversation. 

Keep Questions Open-Ended

Open-ended questions allow your loved one to answer at their own pace and elaborate more. They may feel more encouraged to tell a story or share an experience that you didn’t know about. 

Practice Active Listening

Active listening skills can help encourage your loved one and keep the conversation flowing. Listen more, talk less. Avoid interrupting. Try not to check your phone as often. Encourage them to elaborate. Keep eye contact as they talk. Reflect on what you are told. 

Plan Your Questions Ahead of Time - But Feel Free to go Off-Script

It is great to have a good idea of what you want to ask, but you don’t have to stick to a list of questions. Ask follow-ups, inquire more, and be ready to find out something new.

Be Patient

Older folks may have a hard time remembering or articulating. Some may ramble or go off-topic. Patience can go a long way in making the most of your conversation. Don’t rush them, and let the conversation flow. It can be a great way to make them feel heard and appreciated.

Consider Recording the Conversation

If all parties are comfortable with it, consider recording the conversation. Whether on video or audio only, it can be a great resource to have your loved one’s stories and thoughts recorded. If planning to record video, place the phone or camera on a stand or tripod to keep it steady. Audio recorders should be kept in place during the conversation, as moving them around too much can cause changes in volume or additional noise. 

Questions to Ask Your Older Loved One

Not all of these questions may be useful to you. Use this list of questions as a guide for your discussion. If there are questions you feel that you already know the answer to, see if they can give you more details, or skip them altogether. If recording the conversation, asking basic questions at the start can help provide more context to future listeners. 

Immigration Stories

• When did the family come to America?
• What was it like for them?
• What challenges did you or the family face to come here?
• Who were the elders of the family when you were growing up?
• What traditions did the family keep from the old country?
• Which traditions did you leave behind?
• Was there anything you regret leaving behind when you emigrated?
• Was there anyone you left behind there?
• Why did the family settle where they did?
• What did our family do before emigrating?

Questions About Their Childhood

• What do you remember about where you grew up?
• What are some memories you had during your school years?
• Where did the family go for vacation?
• What did you and your friends do after school?
• What did your parents do for a living?
• Where was your happy place as a kid?
• What was your favorite meal as a child?
• What sorts of things got you in trouble with your parents?

Early Adulthood

• What were some of your first jobs?
• When did you learn to drive?
• How did you meet your spouse/partner?
• What was raising a family like back then?
• What moment in your early adulthood do you think back on most?

Life Lessons and Aging

• What is the most rewarding thing about your life?
• What is the most important lesson you learned in life?
• If you could go back to any age, what would it be?
• What advice would you like to pass on to the family?
• What makes you happy now?
• Do you have any regrets from your past?

Achievements and Special Moments

• What was the best day of your life?
• What was your wedding day like?
• How have your goals changed throughout your life?
• What achievement are you most proud of?
• How would you like to be remembered?

For over 50 years, Matthew Funeral Home has been serving the Staten Island community. We can help with almost every aspect of your loved one’s memorial service. Our family is here to serve yours, every step of the way.