Grief and the Loss of Estranged Parents

Rocky relationships with family are always difficult to navigate. Grief can make things even more complicated. When you lose a low- or no-contact parent, it can be difficult to navigate feelings of grief, guilt, and doubt. Below, we will discuss grief and estranged relationships with parents. 

Every Parent-Child Relationship Is Different

It is important to note at the start of this discussion that every individual has a unique relationship with their parents. Siblings may experience different relationships with their parents, or be more involved than others. As a result, your relationship with your parents can be incredibly different from that of your siblings. This can be especially true for estrangement caused by things like your sexuality or other factors. 

Doubt and Guilt

It may be easy to feel guilt or doubt when an estranged parent dies. Questions of what you missed or how things might have been different. These are rarely comforting thoughts. It is completely normal to feel these feelings here. Some other family members may even contribute to these feelings. What is important is not trying to dwell on what could have been. You were estranged for a reason.

“Family is Family”

Filial piety is a concept that runs deep in many cultures. But, if you were low- or no-contact with a parent or parents, there was probably a reason. Respecting elders should not come at a detriment to our needs, safety, or well-being. It is also important not to perpetuate cycles of violence or abuse through generations. If keeping your distance helps with that, so be it. What is important is your relationship with self-respect.

Honoring Your Emotions

It’s OK to feel grief, no matter the reason for estrangement. It's also OK not to. You can feel a mix of both. Some may experience relief, in some cases. And it might hurt you to feel that way. Be kind to yourself, and try not to self-judge. Rather, try to look inward and understand these emotions, and why they are there.

Whether to Show Up to the Funeral or Not

Generally, this may hinge more on your relationship with other family members than with your deceased parent. If you are not in contact with the surviving parent as well, it may take some pondering. Exposing yourself to grief, heartache, and judgment may not be ideal. If there is trauma there, consider bringing a close friend, your partner, or a sibling. There is strength in having some backup. Just remember that some people end up regretting not going to the wake. Whether for closure or solace, it may be something to consider.

You Don’t Owe Explanations

Your grief, your silence, or your absence does not require explanation to anyone. No one is entitled to an explanation from you on why your relationship with your parent was complicated.

Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be an important tool for dealing with estrangement and grief. After the loss of an estranged parent, a therapist may help guide you through the mixed emotions you may be experiencing. It may not be easy, but confronting your emotions in a controlled environment with a trusted professional can make it easier. 

The author of this post is not a professional therapist or counselor. For more personalized grief care, find a grief counselor that is right for you. For our Grief Resource Center, written by Dr. Bill Webster, click here. 
For over 50 years, Matthew Funeral Home has been serving the Staten Island community. We can help with almost every aspect of your loved one’s memorial service. Our family is here to serve yours, every step of the way.