Forgiveness During Grief is Healing

By: Matthew Funeral Home
Monday, October 21, 2019


Forgiveness is a powerful tool. It can reconcile many relationships, even those with people we have lost. Forgiveness is an important part of the healing process in overcoming the grief that surrounds you after a loss. Whether you are forgiving another family member, the deceased, or even yourself; it can be cathartic to be forgiving. Throughout life, we are taught to forgive. We are told to “be the bigger person.” It can be hard to get to the point in a situation where you are comfortable with forgiving. 

Why is Forgiveness Difficult?

Forgiveness is often hard because it can sometimes be equated with condoning, or being fine with what was said. Forgiveness is not ignoring the circumstances, but accepting them and growing from them. It may be easier to say “It’s not fair,” but that isn’t going to make you feel better. Truthfully, forgiveness might not make you feel better at first, but it can over time. Forgiveness is not a fast-fix solution to grief. It is just a step we can take towards becoming whole once more, whenever that may be.

Anger Towards the Deceased

When a loved one dies, we are hit with a veritable onslaught of emotions. Anger is often just one of them. We may feel anger for a number of reasons, but ultimately, this anger won’t solve anything. Anger towards a loved one who is no longer with us will only sour your feelings towards them, and make you feel guilty because of it. Overcoming the anger through forgiveness is the best way to traverse the waves of negative emotions felt during the grieving process. 

Anger in Grief

Anger can not only prevent us from accepting our grief, but it can bottle it up. Rage and hurt feelings can be as a cork in a dam. You won’t be able to overcome grief without letting emotions flow. You don’t have to be quick to forgive, but you shouldn’t let whatever caused the feelings of pain and hurt stop you from working through your grief. If something needs to be done, do it. But anger for the sake of anger brings nothing but pain, to yourself and others. Buddha had once stated “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Self-Forgiveness

When it comes to the loss of a loved one, we are often wracked with guilt about the “should haves.” I should have apologized for this. I should have said yes to that. I should have been more careful. I should have been there. We, as humans, are going to have flaws. We are going to make mistakes. We have our limitations and weaknesses. Forgiving your mistakes is the first step towards preventing the same ones later. Forgiveness is a tool to grow. It is not a crutch to hold yourself up with when you make mistakes, but rather a guide towards preventing those mistakes in the future. 

Strength in Forgiving

Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone, including yourself. Forgive others, for yourself. That may sound selfish, but in truth, you are the person who your anger affects the most. Forgiveness has the potential to propel us forward and help us grow stronger. Start the process of forgiving slowly. Take an honest look at what that hurt has done for you. What have you missed out on by holding on to that hate? What have you really gained? At the end of the day, odds are that you have lost out on a lot more in life by maintaining that anger.

The author of this post is not a professional therapist or counselor. For assistance in finding a grief counselor that is right for you, there are a number of resources out there. For our Grief Resource center, written by Dr. Bill Webster, click here

For almost 50 years, Matthew Funeral Home has been serving the Staten Island community. We can help with almost every aspect of your loved one’s memorial service. Our family is here to serve yours, every step of the way.

Leave a comment
Name*:
Email:
Comment*:
Please enter the numbers and letters you see in the image. Note that the case of the letters entered matters.

Comments

Please wait

Previous Posts

Alcohol Use and Coping with Grief

While in grief, many people turn to things that can comfort or distract them. It is not uncommon for some people to reach for alcohol in this way. For many people, alcohol can serve as a way to avo...

Apathy and Grief

On this blog, we often talk about how grief is a complicated emotion, and how everyone experiences it differently. However, we don’t often talk about grief and apathy. Apathy is a state of numbness...

Etiquette for Donating In a Loved One's Name

Some individuals or their families request donations to charity in place of flowers during the bereavement period. Most families will appreciate the donation in their loved one’s name. Especially i...

Grief and Losing Online Friends

In our technology-based world, more and more people have developed friendships completely in cyberspace. Consistent communication with gaming partners, online community members, and more allows us ...

Sending Sympathy Meals to a Loved One

When a friend or family member passes away, it is a common practice to send sympathy meals to the immediate family. Sympathy meals show your support for the family while providing them with food. W...

Validating Feelings of Grief

Grief is one of the most complex and misunderstood emotions for people to experience. One way to help your loved one cope with their grief is to validate their feelings. Supporting a loved one who ...

When a Loved One Receives a Terminal Diagnosis

When a loved one finds out that they have a terminal illness, it can be overwhelming to navigate the next steps. It can be difficult to know where to start. Preparations for care, end-of-life servi...

Choosing Your Loved One's Urn

When choosing an urn for your loved one’s cremated remains, there are many aspects to consider. Urns come in an array of shapes, sizes, colors, styles, and materials. It can be difficult to figure ...

Preplanning: Taking Charge of Your Own Funeral

There are many reasons to preplan your funeral, from mitigating costs to making your funeral easier for your loved ones upon your passing. But one important aspect of preplanning your funeral is es...

When is Grief Good?

Grief can make us feel like a great weight rests on our shoulders. Grieving can be a challenging, and often overwhelming, experience. Although grief is brought upon us by loss and sorrow, is it tru...